For a long time, Louise Pōtiki Bryant wondered if there was something really wrong with her.
Experiencing anxiety and intrusive thoughts, Pōtiki Bryant hid its effects in her work by immersing herself in the creative world of dance but was always unsure what was wrong with her.
Like others experiencing similar things, she did not like talking about what was happening, thinking it was embarrassing.
"I sort of thought there was something really wrong with me and my thoughts. So I didn't want to really tell anyone. You can sort of get along and manage it to a degree."
Pōtiki Bryant, who is based in Piha, eventually consulted medical professionals about her anxiety, but it was not until she had a "really scary experience" more recently that she got a diagnosis of obsessive compulsive disorder, more commonly known as OCD.
"I just got to a point where I was completely debilitated. I sort of avoided a lot. It kind of really affected my life."
Researching the condition, she realised she had been managing and hiding its effects for years as many sufferers do — it is often known as the doubting disorder or secret disorder, meaning many do not seek help for a long time.
"You realise in hindsight that I’ve had it pretty much my whole life but I didn’t know what I was experiencing was that."
Known in Māori as Māuiui whakaauau, obsessive compulsive disorder tends to manifest itself in different ways for different people.
Two elements which are usual for all types of OCD are frequent intrusive thoughts and then compulsions which sufferers feel are necessary in order to solve the extreme anxiety those thoughts are causing. However, there are many subtypes of OCD which refer to the particular theme or content of the intrusive thoughts a person with OCD experiences, and the type of compulsive behaviours they undertake.
"I've experienced quite a few of them. Some of them have been quite scary, you know. And that motivated me to learn more about this condition."
She got treatment including exposure and response prevention therapy and medication, and found both to be very useful. Aware it is something she will always have to manage, she wanted to see if her own creativity could also help.
"I wanted to explore, in addition to those therapies, ways of being able to manage my condition through art and through dance."
Always drawing from Mātauraka Māori for inspiration in her work, Pōtiki Bryant began thinking about and exploring Atua Māori, in particular Parawhenuamea, the atua wahine (similar to a deity) of freshwater who emerges from the whenua in the springs and streams which flow from the mountains to the sea.
"On her way, she gathers silt and she moves the silt, which is the "para" in her name and flows out to the sea. And on her way, that can create land and can create land out to sea. So, she has this sort of transformative power."
This inspired the beginnings of Pūheke which she will perform in Queenstown.
"Thinking about the transformative power of water. So with my movement and my dance and my drawings, I was inspired by her."
She also wanted the piece to contribute to a better understanding of what OCD is.
"It's a very misunderstood condition. And it can often be, you know, sort of joked about."
So she has drawn on her experience with the disorder for the work.
"It doesn't avoid the issues of needing to go through the healing process. But at the same time it reveals how you can be inspired by those things that help you to get through to the other side.
"So for me, that's been a helpful thought process to allow myself to be like the water and allow my thoughts to flow and not get too attached on to them."
She has found using that process as an inspiration for movement and drawing has enabled her to properly process her thoughts and experiences.
That is the way Pōtiki Bryant, a New Zealand Arts Laureate, choreographed Pūheke in which she performs live but also includes video installations she has created. It is accompanied by a soundscape composed by her husband Paddy Free.
"I like to work with video design as well as with dance. They're both part of my creative expression. For this work, it includes a lot of my animations I've developed that I've called Pūheke, which means to flow."
One of the video pieces is called "Ko wai ko au, ko au ko wai – I am the water and the water is me".
"Part of the process of making the work, I made a lot of drawings and paintings through this process of allowing my thoughts to flow with my drawings. Its kind of an intuitive way of creating and I created a series of animations that are part of the work."
As part of that there are multiple versions of Pōtiki Bryant appearing on video alongside her "real" self on stage.
"I’m performing with versions of myself. the video transforms and changes where it's projected through the performance. So there's sort of an installation work that performs on its own for some of the work. The video transforms and changes where it's projected through the performance. So there's sort of an installation work that performs on its own for some of the work."
The video and accompanying animations took months to create. They also include words and phrases that move like water through the pieces.
"That's quite a process. And the filming of myself, creating the choreography to begin with and then filming the choreography and then weaving all these elements together."
The contrast of dance with computer work is not lost on Pōtiki Bryant, who received the Caroline Plummer Fellowship in Community Dance at the University of Otago in 2014. She has over the years tried to find ways around sitting at a computer to do the work but has not been successful.
"There’s really no other way to do it, so I divide my time between dance and computer work, but I love both processes and I love the drawing and painting process too. They all require different things."
Keeping moving is important to her. She rehearses at home or at a local hall and tries to keep up her fitness as much as she can.
"The body changes as we get older. I feel good I’m still performing at this age. Even though, you know, the body changes, I think it's positive for people to see women of all ages on stage.
"Because for me it's about the life experience I bring and about the story I'm trying to tell. And I think it's positive for people to realise that this art form of dance is not just for the young, it's for everybody."
She first performed the piece at The Matriarchs Uprising festival in Vancouver, Canada, where indigenous contemporary female dancers from around the world gather to showcase their work and workshop.
"That was a very special place to perform it for the first time."
Next up she performed it in Auckland at Tempo Dance Festival and each time she performs it, the work makes her feel strong and powerful.
"I enjoy this work. It's kind of a positive performance for me to perform. There's meditative type moments, through to the powerful movement of Parawhenuamea, through to just releasing the intrusive thoughts.
"I call it healing from OCD, but I suppose, for me, it's really just more how I've managed to get to a good place and manage it. And hopefully it inspires others."
After the Queenstown performance she is moving on to choreographing a piece for Atamira Dance Company, an organisation she was a founding member of and has choreographed six works for including Ngāi Tahu 32 (Best contemporary dance production 2004, NZ Listener), Te Aroha me te mamae (Best New Choreographer 2003, NZ Listener), and TAONGA: Dust Water Wind (Best Production, Best Music, and Best Scenography).
Ka Tiri o te Moana will focus on climate change and sea-level rise and how hapu and iwi are responding to these challenges.
"I’m trying to promote climate action and that sort of thing with the work. It’s exciting."
— Further information on OCD can be found at ocd.org.nz and mentalhealth.org.nz
TO SEE:
Pūheke - Louise Pōtiki Bryant, Te Atamira Queenstown, February 1, 7.30pm
