"You people are dumb! Dumb! Dumb! I’ll tell you the facts. Ask me any question you like and I’ll tell you the truth. Truth and Trump go together like beans and farting, so let’s hear your questions."
A lady journalist from the Kentucky World Advertiser took the plunge.
"Surely you aren’t serious about taking over Greenland, territory owned by another country. Is that the American way?"
"Hell, lady, you don’t know nothing about the American way. You know what made America great? Real estate! And, let me tell you, real estate will make America great again. Just look up your history books. You know the Louisiana Purchase from France back in 1803. We got 828,000 square miles for $15 million! That’s 3c an acre. We doubled the size of the States while those French wimps just sat back, let the whole thing go."
"That may be so, sir, but Denmark don’t want to sell."
"They’ll come round to it. They’re small fry. There’s only 6 million Danes even counting those Great Dane dogs they brag about. Six million! There’s 8 million people in New York alone, for goodness’ sake. No sir. The Danes will sell when the dollars are waved at them. Hell, even those great people, the Russians, have sold us land. In 1867 they sold us Alaska for $7.2m. That’s only $129m today for a place the size of Alaska. We got Alaska for 36c an acre in today’s money. What’s an acre worth in Alaska today? I’ll tell you. Average price for an acre in Alaska today is $7000. Being American has been great for the Alaskans. Those Eskimo people are the happiest people in the world. Real estate’s the way to go. It made me what I am. Those gold-plated johns you’ve been using cost more than we paid for Alaska and most of that gold came from Alaska. There’ll be gold in Greenland. It’s identical to Alaska. Snow and stuff."
Highly-respected political commentator Edward G. Pilkington had the audacity to tackle Trump head-on.
"Mr president-elect, you’re living in the past. No country these days is willing to sell off territory and many Americans are worried that you will use military force to grab territory. Can you rule out military action?"
"Hell, no. War made America great. If you people ever bothered to read up history like I have you’d know that. How did we get our hands on California and most of the west? We beat the daylights out of those pesky Mexicans, who are all drug dealers and rapists as you know. About 530,000 square miles and it didn’t cost one cent! Sure, we lost 13,000 brave American soldiers, but that’s war. Wish I could have offered that kind of sacrifice in Vietnam, but my feet let me down."
"Are you saying we’ll go to war over Greenland or Canada?"
"I never said that, but you people never listen. Too busy making up lies. But what I will say is that war isn’t always the best answer. You know we walloped the Spaniards in the 1890s but all we got were Puerto Ricans and Filipinos. Not a great deal. Some of you may have heard of World War 1 and World War 2. We joined in both those shows after a while and picked up odd places and, boy, aren’t those people proud to be Americans! Our people in American Samoa got a McDonald’s way back in 2000 while the other Samoa was living on baked beans. That’s a fact! Let me tell you about Greenland. There’s not one McDonald’s in that place. But there soon will be."
"You realise, sir, that taking over Canada is a preposterous notion?"
"Preposterous! Hell, no! I love the Canadian people and that dividing line between our two great counties is an abomination. There’s no need to go to war over Canada. Five hundred percent tariffs on Canadian goods will soon have Canada sorted as the 51st state of the great United States of America and I will lead this great country from the shores of the Gulf of America to the icy waters of the American Arctic Circle. And listen to me, you so-called news reporters ... "
At this point I left. I needed a quiet lie down in a darkened room.
— Jim Sullivan is a Patearoa writer.
