Te Whatu Ora officials are currently preparing a plan for building the new Dunedin hospital’s inpatient facility within the government’s budget limit.
A few pages were accidentally sent to me by registered mail the other day.
The ideas are so brilliant I thought I should share them.
• People turning up at the ED will be given a number. Everyone knows that many of these people could easily have gone to see their own doctor, so every fourth person will be given two aspirin and sent home.
• Hospital beds will be stacked against the walls in threes, bunk-style. Patients can be slid out in their beds when they need attention. Three times as many patients can be accommodated in each ward, so only a third as many wards will be needed.
• Diagnosis will be done on Google by IT students from the university as part of course work. This will halve the number of doctors needed.
• Scanning will be done with photocopiers. It works for us. (My uncle was a radiologist. no-one knew more about radios than him.)
• Food for patients will be brought in by their own families since they know what they like to eat much better than hospital caterers do. Doctors and nurses can bring in their own cut lunches. All catering facilities will therefore be removed from the plans.
• Global warming means that no heating system needs to be provided. By the time the hospital is built Dunedin will have the climate of Singapore.
• All cleaning will be done by robot vacuum cleaners. Occasionally they may trip up nurses but hey, what better place for this to happen than a hospital?
• Recognising the public’s appetite for medical TV programmes, all surgeries will be broadcast live through a subscription social media channel.
Surgeons will be given 47 minutes per operation and must take three 4-minute commercial breaks. Audience feedback will determine surgeons’ salary levels.
• Cats are well-known for being able to tell when people are dying. All night-shift nurses will be replaced with cats.
• In the old days, half a bottle of whisky was a perfect anaesthetic. All anaestheticians will be replaced by a contract with a whisky distiller an Act NZ MP once met at a barbecue.
• Given that the most important person in the Christian religion was born in a stable, the birthing unit will be stationed in the carpark.
If and when it is built, maybe in 2045. Te Whatu Ora is confident these measures will bring the hospital within budget and will therefore provide a better and more efficient service. It looks good to me.
• John Drummond is an emeritus professor at the University of Otago.
