Spring has sprung and with it the realisation hiding the winter weight under puffer jackets is no longer an option. After several attempts at getting fit, and multiple promises to maintain it, Otago Daily Times and Queenstown Times bureau chief Tracey Roxburgh has begun another fitness challenge: the Revive programme at Alpine Health and Fitness.
Dear diary ...
Saturday, September 29
Think I will write letter to gymnasium asking them to please enlarge RPM bike seats and also add padding.
Hurts to sit down after last night's class.
Decide best remedy is to remain upright, so at stupid o'clock walk around Lake Hayes ... buoyed by feeling of piousness.
Attended beautiful West wedding in Central Otago today with folds of skin contained by control-top undergarments.
Broke into sweat just trying to get them on (does this count as exercise?).
First time being completely sober at wedding reception; it was odd. First dessertless wedding reception as well.
Watched boyfriend eat every mouthful of his pudding while asking, repeatedly, how it tasted; like torture, Diary, for both of us.
Sunday, September 30
Woke with most bizarre feeling today - ascertained it was health; not experienced on a Sunday in quite some time.
Seven days without a sniff of wine... Celebrated by going to gymnasium for more jogging (which I now pronounce "yogging"). I only "yog" for 30 seconds at a time (baby steps), but today it wasn't awful.
Meanwhile, friends from London relaxed in a spa pool ... hardly seemed fair.
Monday, October 1
Daylight saving sucks, Diary.
Alarm at 5.15am, jolts me from blissful slumber, reminding me to meet Haylee. Except really it was 4.15am. Felt like stunned possum at gym and am not convinced I wasn't sleepercising (a.k.a. sleep exercising). By 10am body was channelling jellyfish.
Haylee says I am likely to be tired this week while brain and body adjust to burning all those nasty fat cells.
If today is indication, by Friday will be catatonic.
Had promised to take visitors from London up Tobin's Track for bird's-eye view of our piece of paradise.
Unfortunately visitors are fit.
One ran up, ran down to meet us and walked up again, while the other kept me company as I Geisha-shuffled up.
Tried VERY hard to hold a conversation on ascent, but largely limited to wheezing, grunting and moaning.
Tuesday, October 2
Think it was optimistic expecting catatonia to hold off until Friday. Am exhausted.
Despite nine hours of shuteye still felt like had been on the tiles all night.
Am hoping this means obnoxious fat cells are shaking in their lard-covered boots right now.
Was supposed to walk up Tobin's Track with Gym Buddies again this eve, but dinner date in Wanaka prevented this. Devastated, as you can imagine, Diary.
Boyfriend suggested he drop me off 5km from destination and let me walk remainder of journey to compensate.
He's so thoughtful.
Had healthy dinner with actual super athletes who do hardcore multisporting activities ... simultaneously inspirational and depressing.
Once again resisted dessert.
And wine.
What is happening to me?
Wednesday, October 3
Tears nearly fell when alarm went off today.
Surprisingly gymnasium visit wasn't too bad - except for sore calf muscle.
Haylee wouldn't let me do any more yogging today ... was, bizarrely, a bit upset about this.
She also tried to stretch sore leg ... tears nearly fell again; nail marks in palms from fist clenching to prevent squealing.
Physio Dougal says is possible have a double-banger something starting with C that sounds very impressive and occurs in "elite athletes".
FINALLY elite athletes and I have something in common ...
Had needles jammed in leg and given strict instructions not to do any more yogging for now.
Is annoying.
Had lovely walk with fellow Revive team-mates along Frankton Track this evening.
Unfortunately even the tiniest of hills felt like Everest for my tired legs.
During walk see friend (Name: Kirsten Toms - decided what happened next warranted name and shame, Diary) in car.
While we were burning fat, Kirsten wound down window and pointed to very flash Unreel Fishing boat before saying with big grin she must carry on as she had Fergburger in car.
As she drove off caught a whiff of burger and actually moaned out loud.
Later told me she thought about us walking while dining on her heavenly dinner and felt guilty the whole time.
Likely story.
Thursday, October 4
Had GREAT dream last night had developed one of those lovely Miranda Kerr-like stomachs.
Checked stomach when I woke ... hugely disappointed.
Was grateful friend Jen booked me into RPM tonight as dream added to motivation.
Bike seats have not got bigger. Would it be wrong to bring a pillow to stuff down back of pants in future?
Tried to make my legs go fast, Diary, really did, but they were being highly disobedient today.
By end of warm-up track was ready for it to be over.
By end of class was ready to be stretchered out.
Still no Miranda Kerr stomach.
Friday, October 5
Legs hate me. Actually, entire body, including brain, has revolted.
Spent day dreaming about pyjamas, pillow, duvet and couch, plus any liquids that taste nothing like water.
Like wine. And coffee.
Have not just hit wall, so much as smashed into it at speed of freight train and feel like am embedded in its structural steel.
Started slow blinks at 2pm ...
by 5.30pm was struggling to form vowel sounds.
Fear derangement has set in.
Either fat cells are now being ripped from the comfort of my innards and getting ready for mass evacuation ... or am on the verge of exhaustive breakdown.
I won't lie, Diary: at this point I'm not convinced it's not the latter.
