Q: What is your favourite Olympic sport?
A: Glad you asked that, Nigel. Fair to say I've been glued to the Olympics. I was even glued to the Equestrian. (Though when talking about equestrian, I probably shouldn't say glue.) Astonished to discover an appetite for synchronised swimming. I used to think if hair and make-up are a factor, it shouldn't be an Olympic sport, but this year I've changed my mind. I love how the cameras show what's going on underwater. It's like a behind-the-scenes video, explaining the magic trick. Mesmerizing. Mesmermaidizing. I want to learn the skills of synchronised swimming. Seriously. If anyone out there can teach me, get in touch. Maybe we can form a team.
Q: What is your least favourite Olympic sport?
A: So many sports simply shouldn't be in the Olympics. If you can win at the age of 56, wearing a top hat, it's not a sport. Ditto, archery and shooting: if the sporting highlight is you standing utterly still and holding your breath, it's not a sport. You might as well give medals to those buskers who pretend to be statues. BMX, not an Olympic sport: it just looks like FUN. Honestly, what are they going to add at Rio: waterslide? Scooter? Also sailing shouldn't be in the Olympics. Sailing's not a sport. Nobody ever says: Christopher Columbus, what a great athlete. Or Captain Cook, he shoulda won a medal.
Q: If you could be a superhero, which one would you be?
A: Maybe not a superhero -- but a comic character: Scrooge McDuck, the richest duck in the world. I'd use my money to influence governments to punish the evil bankers who wilfully stole the world economy, drove it off a cliff, then got taxpayers to foot the bill. Technically, Scrooge McDuck is a superhero though, in the sense that Batman is a superhero: massive amounts of money are effectively a superpower. Money can control people's minds and actions, as surely as muscles from Krypton or radioactive spiders.
Q: Who from history would you have dinner with?
A: It depends. Am I going back in time, or am I exhuming their remains and propping them up on a chair? I'll assume I'm going back in time. Are they paying for dinner? I might not have the proper currency. Are they going to be expecting me? It might be quite awkward for say, Leonardo da Vinci, to be confronted with a 21st century Chinese New Zealander who doesn't speak Italian, demanding to be fed. Luckily, my favourite historic figure is still alive: Hugh Hefner.
Q: What's your favourite soup?
A: I quite like roast duck noodle soup. Nigel, your questions are quite strange.
• Raybon Kan performs at Ironic on Friday, August 17th, at 8.30pm and Saturday, August 18th, at 7.30pm. Tickets are available via Eventfinder.
