So, I finished knitting my skiing beanie. On Saturday I took it for a test drive at the Remarkables. Finally.
The delightful Katrina Priest took me up there - I'm 99.9% sure her job was to make sure I turned up - and she stayed until after lunch. I suspect this was to make sure I didn't leave.
On Friday my physio said my sprained thoracic vertebrae had healed sufficiently so as not to impede my first skiing lesson; moments later Katrina called to book my first two lessons in.
NZSki put me on the ultimate beginners pack, which included two 90-minute lessons in one day, and this is what I've learned:-
1 The magic carpet is a much faster way to access the base building. It's also easy to negotiate in sneakers.
2 When one attempts to put on ski boots, one should first be wearing ski trousers. Use the "amenities" prior to donning ski boots and ski trousers.
3 Once ski boots are on, be prepared to walk like a sumo wrestler - legs far apart, flat-footed, lifting your feet very high. Be aware walking downhill requires an aid of some description (hand rail/wall/ski poles/another human being).
4 Make sure one of the first people you meet on the mountain is a medic.
5 Ladies Related to 2), once ski boots are on using the "amenities" becomes difficult and may require some form of assistance.
6 If you have absolutely no idea what you're up to GET LESSONS!
7 If you drop a ski pole while wearing ski boots prior to meeting your ski instructor, understand the ankle doesn't flex as much as you need it to. Skis can act as an aid to steady yourself while you bend down. However, don't forget skis are quite high. Do NOT smack your teeth on them. If you do, you'll experience some numbness.
8 If your ski instructor believes you are "the VIP", just go with it.
9 Walking down the learners' ski area to begin your lesson is not the hardest thing you'll do.
10 Once one ski is on, there is NO escaping the lesson. Once two skis are on, they will stay on until a) you fall over or b) it's time for lunch.
11 Do not stand farthest up the hill during a lesson when you're asked to line up, or you will become the guinea pig.
12 The single most important thing you're going to learn is how to stop.
13 If learning how to stop is proving difficult, screaming "OUT OF CONTROL!" gives others around you a fair warning and indicates you have NO idea what you're doing. This helps ensure you will be given a fairly wide berth for the rest of the session.
14 Sticking your tongue out will not help you stop.
15 Sticking your tongue out when trying to do anything will not actually help.
16 If you suddenly realise you're sticking your tongue out, laugh. You can even snort. But if you laugh at the fact you snorted while laughing, you will likely end up crying because you're laughing.
17 You will be forced to conquer the magic carpet while wearing skis. If you aren't confident, give it about 2mins after someone else has got on before you follow. If, at the top of the magic carpet is a line of people, scream either "PLEASE MOVE" or "HELP" and people will not only move, but provide assistance.
18 You will, almost certainly, fall over. This is perfectly acceptable. Once you have fallen over, it's not quite as easy as you'd think to get up. Be prepared to stay there for a few moments. You will probably not be able to get up without aid.
19 Small children take a little bit longer to get up the mountain in the morning. They have learned in about 10 minutes what you have learned in an hour. It will make you feel stupid.
20 Before you will learn about "turning" you will learn to stop. Hopefully.
21 Some people (read: me) accidentally learn to turn before they stop. These people seem to have no idea why they're turning. And they have a lot of trouble stopping.
22 By lunch time, you will want a shot of tequila.
23 In order to get to the bar, you will have to go on another magic carpet. Getting on is not too bad. It's MUCH easier to get off it in sneakers.
24 Mulled wine at lunch is encouraged.
25 If you are lucky enough as to have two lessons on your first day, you WILL get better.
26 During the afternoon session you will notice an increase in traffic on the learners slope. Many of these are small children. This is where you learn SUPER fast how to turn.
27 If you haven't learned how to turn, you will run over a small child. When this happens, apologise profusely, make sure they are uninjured and then give them a big head start before you start again.
28 Along with the increase in small children comes an increase in pedestrians. Pedestrians stand still, near the bottom of the learners' slope watching proudly as children negotiate the slope. You cannot help but move straight toward them. Hopefully they move. If not, try using lesson 12.
29 Your instructor will force you to progress to steeper territory. That means you go faster. If you have not learned how to stop, learn how to fall.
30 If your instructor takes your ski poles off you when you are trying to negotiate the longer, faster slope, throwing your hands up and leaning back won't help you.
31 Just when you think you might FINALLY be getting the hang of turning and stopping and avoiding small children/pedestrians/barriers, the lesson will be over.
32 The "apres ski" is, quite frankly, excellent. However, please understand you have had a large amount of fresh air at altitude. And you have used muscles you didn't even know you had. This first makes you very sleepy. Then you get a second wind. Then you start to get a bit sore, so you put on the comfiest clothes you have. Because,you're up to "apres ski number three" your reactions are a bit slower than they should be. Your toe will get stuck in your trackpants while you're heading in a forward motion, and the only way to break your fall is to smash into the book case in your lounge, bruising your finger, with blood taking about a minute to spring forth. You will laugh at the irony (because the apres ski has numbed the pain) ... the most serious injury you did learning to ski was after you'd learned, in the comfort of your own lounge.
Footnote: Sincerest of thanks to the ladies at Southern PR for forcing me to try this skiing malarky; the lovely Katrina for looking after me; and The Remarkables ski area manager Ross Lawrence for allowing me to have my first lesson on your mountain. My instructor was Teddy from Australia. My third lesson will be booked in once my apres-ski injury has healed sufficiently for me to form a fist.
