Despite all the running, the pole dancing and now yoga, I'm too happy to be thin.
It's the economist's fault: his strange love the reason for my bliss. You wouldn't think it to hear his demented laugh - like the bark of a poked walrus - but he can be quite romantic.
Coming up for 10 years (it was officially my longest relationship at the four-month mark, having escaped the lethal ritual of a corroded marriage after the same harrowing length of time) we are ridiculously, sickeningly happy. Just the other day someone mistook us for a brand-new couple because we were holding hands and grinning like loons.
"We're not married," explained the economist, "that's why we still like each other."
Of course, the economist does talk a load of rubbish: "Good coins drive out bad," he said, holding a mangled $2 piece on Budget morning - but he makes up for it by buying jewellery from Lure and retaining his hair.
We don't share the same taste in music. He once described my favourite rockers as being enjoyed "by the kind of people who are out there punching someone in the head at 3 o'clock in the morning." It's a classic case of opposites attracting.
I adored the economist from our first "date", but not all men are so successful in the game of love. Cosmopolitan magazine gives a few examples of stupid things men have said or done on first dates:
• The man who asked his date, "Why is it that all the good women are taken?"
• The man who said, "I'm so intrigued by the mind of a serial killer. The rage and passion he must feel while actually killing someone is fascinating to me."
• The man who confessed, "I shower four times a day. I have to."
• The man who felt compelled to admit that, "When I have sex with a woman, I always have to imagine I'm with someone else."
• The man who said about his ex-girlfriend, "Some people just need hitting."
• The man who invited a woman for dinner at his house, and at the end of the date said, "To keep this relationship devoid of any sense of anyone owing anyone anything, why don't you pay your half?" He then presented her with an itemised bill.
Dating coaches Ron Louis and David Copeland, authors of How to Succeed with Women, warn hapless bachelors "You can alienate a woman by discussing your love of pornography, or commenting on other women's bodies. You can further offend her by having a prolonged scratching session in your pants".
If you do something that deeply offends, Ron and David advise, "back off at once, apologise briefly if you think it will help, and go on with the date as if nothing happened.
Sadly, you often won't know if you've offended her. She won't tell you; she'll simply write you off, and get away from you as quickly as she can".
Yes indeedy: I once climbed out of a tiny ladies' room window to flee from dinner with a man who talked at length about the time he got diarrhea during the school swimming sports. I always wondered how long he waited.
If things do become a bit complacent, there are ways to re-set your romance. Why, just this Saturday I asked the economist to help with the gardening, and as he ran around the side of the house to get away from me, he was felled by an open window to the forehead. He went down like a tonne of bricks.
I think he might have even been unconscious for a moment.
They stitched him up at A&E and gave him a pamphlet titled, "Coping with a Mild Head Injury" (Rule 3: Do not get another head injury).
On Sunday the dented economist was inexplicably romantic and attentive, buying me chocolates, wine and grapes.
He was also crooning "You are wonderful".
I expressed my amazement to my girlfriends.
"If you need a hammer ..." said Victoria.
"I have a very fine hand drill," said Sarah.
"Sounds to me like you should have pushed him into that window a long time ago," declared Joanna.
Ladies! I don't need to borrow your tools to ensure my boyfriend's devotion. There's an iron bar under the bed.
"What is the secret of our longevity?" I asked the economist this morning.
"You're extremely tolerant, and you have really low expectations, thanks to those scummy surfers you went out with," he said.
Well, there you have it: aim low, and give him a bash in the head every now and then.
