After regularly picking up his mother's teeth after she was beaten by his father, Sean Donnelly was set on a long and painful journey of destruction.
The 46-year-old has only just begun to find peace within himself, a discovery he credits to reclaiming his Maori culture.
Growing up in Murupara, in the Central North Island, he and his brothers and sisters would watch his father abuse their mother.
"Our mission after the beating was to clothe our mother, get the mops and buckets out, pick up her teeth and clean up. It was horror scene stuff."
When he was about 13, Mr Donnelly got his first "man's hiding" from his father and had his "first drink with the old lady".
Watching their father take out the pain of his own violent upbringing on their mother, he and his brothers grew up violent, while his sisters all entered relationships with violent people.
"Violent people come from violent homes. We knew we were [damaged] but we didn't know why," he said.
He described being full of fear, shame, blame and guilt, which drove him to a place of self-doubt and hate.
While these emotions were a product of his upbringing, they were also what kept him a violent person.
"They kept me in an unsafe place. You are walking around with a constant fear and a constant rage and not knowing what to do with it."
To spite his father, he joined the Mongrel Mob when he was 15, but left when he was 21.
Though he was never patched, the gang life opened him up to further "unleashed violence".
His kind of fight was him against five others and he "got big ups" from others for his brutality.
Men were "cardboard cutouts for me to take down" and "women were just objects".
"I ended up adopting my father's views - women were property and kids should be seen and not heard."
Every woman he became involved with was subjected to physical and sexual violence.
Mr Donnelly first decided to get help for his behaviour when he was 28, after beating his "beautiful partner".
He referred himself to an anger-management course, then underwent drug and alcohol treatment.
Despite working hard, he felt something was missed during his treatment and he fell back into a life of violence.
Life brought him to Dunedin six years ago and, after once again beating a partner, he self-referred to Stopping Violence Dunedin two years ago.
"I think I'd reached that critical mass where it was time for me to move on," he said.
A facilitator there helped show him what he was really like.
"She was able to put a mirror up to me. She was able to show me, me," Mr Donnelly said.
He attended two of the organisation's six-month programmes and continues to "check in" on a monthly basis.
What he believed made a difference this time around was being able to access a programme specifically for Maori men - Te Puna Manawa.
"Pakeha-based systems don't work for Maori men," he said.
Having a direct facilitator and being able to relate to them and the programme's messages on a cultural level was important.
Mr Donnelly was also able to access a Mauri ora programme - Te Korowai Aroha o Aotearoa.
He graduated from the 10-month course last week. It helped him develop ways, based on an understanding of Maori culture, to deal with issues.
"Reclaiming my Maoridom has been crucial."
He now wanted to use his story to help other men in similar situations find a way to change.
"I want to set up a safe place for warriors to remind them, and instil in them, the tikanga and respect for women and children."
For the past six months, he has been sober and has not involved himself with women. He has forgiven his parents.
Taking care of three of his children and being "the ultimate role model" to them is now the focus of his life.
Although he has never physically abused his children, who are aged between 6 and 15, healing was still taking place as they learnt to trust him again.
He has a "no drinking and no skanking" policy, which he hopes will allow the boys to learn how to respect themselves and others, especially women.
"It takes courage to change, but it's possible. I'm proof of it."
He encouraged "anyone who is hurting" to seek help, and those witnessing someone destroy lives with violence to stand up and challenge the abuser on their behaviour in a simple, direct manner.
"Have them up about it."
