Saturday, June 5
2pm: Neighbour decides ceremonial burning of my trousers is required.
Hesitate.
Trousers are quite new and this seems waste of money.
Also, belt loops were invented for a reason.
Sunday, June 6
11am: Today will pay for rest day.
Hindsight a beautiful thing.
Yesterday was sunny.
Today is pouring rain and I have to execute first 3km time trial outside due to shins arguing with treadmill.
First I must put myself through Babelicious programme.
2pm: Have spent three hours mentally preparing to go to gym ... has not worked.
2.50pm: Have been hearing odd grunting noises so looked around to see who is making them.
Realise is me who sounds like Maria Sharapova.
3.10pm: Babelicious over.
Legs all wobbly and now I have to go for a run.
Is still raining.
4pm: Find flat section of track which is 0.5km long, so will need to run this six times.
4.15pm: Still running.
Actually, running is exaggeration.
Power walker would pass me with ease. Is still raining and there are also large puddles, which means am now also contending with wet stretchy trousers again.
Will I never learn?
Monday, June 7
11am: Public holiday, yet am still dressed for gym. Feel some pain in legs while putting socks on.
Blame yesterday's "run".
11.50am: Pick up friend for Pump.
Friend came dangerously close to being named and shamed after entering car with a large packet of chips.
She quickly saw the error of her ways and removed the unopened bag of chips from vehicle.
12.20pm: Squat track.
Leg pain is almost unbearable. Muscles burning and shaking.
Even calf muscles hurt. 12.30pm: Have just realised it's not just legs that hurt.
Is EVERY muscle in my body.
Have head to toe burn and shake.
8pm: Muscles now seizing.
Have realised this exercise thing is never, ever going to get easier. Depressing thought.
Tuesday, June 8
5.30am: Attempting to put socks on.
Takes three goes to get leg up high enough.
6.15am: At RPM.
Richie Lambert is instructor. Feeling of dread in stomach.
Trying to adjust bike seat and due to sore legs cannot get one foot out of holder fast enough, so pedal clocks me in shin.
Now leg is not just sore due to muscle aches, but is missing bits of skin and also bleeding.
Is not good start to day.
6.30am: Realise I made big mistake in bike positioning today.
Am directly in Richie's line of vision. Odds of him picking on me?
High to guaranteed.
6.33am: Richie also realises I am in his line of vision. Cue picking on me.
Tells me to "go faster".
Try (really did try), but alas, am still pedalling at the speed to be expected of a 90-year-old.
7.05am: Stretching.
Do one stretch to target posterior.
In immense amounts of pain just trying to get my leg to the right place. Then get scared I will get stuck there.
This would not be ideal.
6pm: At Pump.
Really, really wanted not to go, but apparently when one is so sore it hurts to breathe is best to do more exercise. Body disagrees.
6.40pm: Lunges.
Instructor Maria says it's the easiest lunge track she could find.
This makes me happy.
Then she says there's only one thing she lies about: the word "easy".
She wasn't lying.
6.45pm: Is time for push-ups.
Maria makes us do them with the Pump bar.
We have to put weights on the ends of the bar and then try and balance on it while pushing up.
Do not like this at all.
End up looking like I'm trying to do some kind of caterpillar dance move. Bar starts to escape by rolling away from me.
Come dangerously close to face plant.
Decide it's bar's way of telling me not to use it.
I listen.
Wednesday, June 9
9.25am: New exercise.
Have to sit down, lean back and then he throws a heavy ball at me.
Have to twist with heavy ball and then netball pass it back to him. Have not netball passed since primary school.
For good reason - I am not good at it.
9.40am: Ask Richie if I can please not do Dead Bugs anymore.
He says I can change them to "jackknifes". Demonstrates jackknife.
Involves putting hands on floor and feet on Swiss ball and bringing knees (and ball) in to tummy.
Richie makes this look easy.
I face plant. Richie laughs.
10.47am: Delightful Jules Tapper emails with some advice to counteract the wet trouser component.
I need a pair of Bowyangs.
Apparently they stop wet trou falling down and prevent chaffing.
These are most often used in the bush (not by wannabe fit persons attempting a measly 3km run on flat ground).
Mr Tapper says if I get caught out, a hanky or a leather strap will work just as well.
Alternatively, I could just not run when it's raining.
4.45pm: Remembered I was supposed to book in for RPM tomorrow two hours ago.
4.46pm: Decide to use gym gear already in vehicle and go back to gym tonight to make up for not doing RPM tomorrow.
7.21pm: Am finished working.
Can't get to the gym tonight before it closes.
Feel a bit disappointed.
8pm: Visiting friend and see the Alpine Health & Fitness class timetable.
Read it.
Realise, with some frustration, the gym did not close at 8pm as I thought. It closes at 9pm.
Had I known this I would have gone.
Now is too late.
Thursday, June 10
4.50pm: I really, REALLY miss drinking bubbly.
I haven't had bubbly in more than three months now. Look at the crosses on my calendar marking the days I have survived.
Realise, with sudden burst of joy I have 18 sleeps left until I can have bubbly.
5.03pm: Joy short-lived.
Realise if I can have bubbly in 18 sleeps, I also have to face catwalk in 18 sleeps.
7.15pm: Go to gym to distract myself from thought of bubbly.
Decide to do cardio and have a crack at Kilimanjaro on the machines.
Is hill stuff.
7.40pm: Kilimanjaro was not the best idea I've ever had. 8.15pm: Decide to see if the treadmill and my shins are prepared to make friends while I try to do a 3km jaunt.
8.26pm: Treadmill and shins have just had a BLAZING argument. 1.16km gone, calf muscles feel like they are about to explode and shins could rupture at any moment.
Second bad idea I've had today.
Friday, June 11
6.15am: Am boxing Richie.
He gives me bigger gloves that hopefully won't hurt my hands.
Secretly blame bigger gloves when I (accidentally) connect with his noggin.
However, I understand Lindauer Lady Susan Auty did manage to clock Richie properly (also accidentally) and he almost got black eye.
Would have paid money to see that. 6.35am: Richie makes me do "Double Donkey". Involves punching him with both hands at the same time.
Is awkward and weird and is hard knowing which boxing pad to look at.
Richie finds it entertaining.
8.30am: Am planning my weekend and two days off work.
For the next four days I will mainly be doing exercise.
Starting tomorrow with the Jack's Point 5km run/walk which all the Lindauer Ladies were entered into without their prior knowledge.
I'm super excited about that ...
12.25pm: There are now 17 sleeps (408 hours) to go. Europe's timeless classic The Final Countdown is on loop in my brain.
For some reason Eye of the Tiger is also circulating.
And, randomly, I'm a Little Teapot.
Your guess is as good as mine as to the last one.
