Saturday, April 24
9am: At base of Queenstown Hill. Have never walked this hill before. Never wanted to. Still don't, but am here. Is first group session with Lindauer Ladies. We deserve bonus points for turning up.
9.10am: Knackered. 9.20am: Ask how far this hill goes for. Told we are halfway.
9.40am: Was not half way there 20 minutes ago. Have spent 20 minutes grunting uphill while mood rapidly deteriorates with every sodding footstep. Have voice in head saying "If you've got nothing nice to say, say nothing at all". So am no longer speaking.
Questions asked over what I will write about hill. Lindauer Lady Rochelle Wert sums it up perfectly: "Would be hard to write anything nice about it".
9.50am: Can see top. Unfortunately vertical goat track leads to it. 10am: At top. Richie Lambert wants to take picture. Am not interested in pictorial evidence.
7.30pm: At Arrowtown Autumn Festival Masquerade Ball. Have decided this will be my one night off. Do not feel guilty.
10pm: Have a wine with Lindauer Lady Vanessa Van Uden at ball. She does not appear to feel guilty either.
Sunday, April 25
2pm: Awake from blissful (12 hour) slumber. 2.01pm: Realise I have not missed feeling like this on Sundays.
Monday, April 26
6.15am: At first "Pump" class. Announce to instructor Karen Castiglione "I'm new". Is always helpful to state obvious at gymnasiums.
6.45am: Have been doing all manner of exercises with a bar and weights. Was hard. Odd because have total of 3kg in weights (thought I should take it easy so if unco-ordinated body disobeyed would not result in another serious injury). Other ladies have five times the weights on their bars and they're not puffing as much as me.
7.15am: Karen is very nice and says I did well. Decide I very much liked Pump and will try it again.
5.45pm: Decide after work I will haul myself back to gym to play on cardio equipment for an hour. Is punishment for guilt-free Saturday night. Even turn down offer of going to movies. Realise I chose gym over movie ... this is very strange. Friend calls me "gym bunny".
Have been called worse. Tells me I am enjoying it. She knows this because it is "all over your face". Suspect she has confused grimace for smile.
7pm: At gym.
7.10pm: Regretting guilt-free Saturday night.
Tuesday, April 27
6.15am: At RPM. Friend who took me to Pump asks if I'm sore. Am not sore. She is. Probably because she was one of those lifting five times my weights.
6.35am: Trying to go fast on bike. Fear legs may detach from hips, fly off and smack instructor in face. Or bike will fly off stand like in a movie I watched once.
6.45am: False alarm. Can now barely move legs in circle.
7.30am: Dressing for work. Realise am at four-week mark. Everyone told me I would see difference by now. Do not see difference.Now they say I will see it at six weeks. Is not fair or nice to move goalposts halfway through game.
5.17pm: Text from Richie saying he will see me for "feel good" workout tomorrow.
Wednesday, April 28
9.20am: Richie lies. Nothing feels good. Asks why I am not wearing Lindauer Lady T-shirt. Told him is too snug and seeing one's problem areas bulging from red fabric is not motivating. Richie says T-shirt I'm wearing (which hides multitude of flaws) is unbecoming.
Was of opinion fashion parade was not until June. Did not realise I had to dress up for gymnasium.
9.30am: Gives me free weights to push up. Did first round and next time cannot lift them from knees. Think is because arms have given up ghost. Check weights. Not the same as last time. Richie decided I could lift heavier ones. Arms disagree.
9.40am: Richie says he is "surprised" I struggled with Queenstown Hill, because some ladies are in their 50s and some have had hip replacements and they flew up and down. Richie forgets some of these ladies have run the Motatapu ... I cannot even run to corner shop. Books should not be judged by covers.
4.58pm: Have spent almost five hours on flood watch. Boss emails to tell me to be on standby overnight in case worst occurs. Inform boss I can be on standby until 6am and after 7.20am. Believe I just put RPM ahead of my job.
Thursday, April 29
6.30am: At RPM and cannot make legs go fast. No chance of them detaching and flying off today.
6.50am: On last track. Kind friend could not make it this morning and asked me to do Track 7 for her. Friend is far fitter than I. Do best to do her proud.
Begins to rain in RPM class. Check for leak in roof and realise water is coming from face. Highly unattractive.
10.08am: Steve McLaren walks past with a box of Easter eggs. Offers me one. Say "No thank you, am not allowed". He says I have been "good girl" all week, so am allowed.
Take one. Is sitting in its pink wrapper on my desk, beside bottle of wine (and another chocolate) which am also not allowed, but stare at every day for motivation. Red wine and chocolate will taste most excellent on June 28.
8pm: Have been running round like headless chook all day waiting for impending flood. Am tired. Hours of work to go. Badly would like to eat naughty food. Resist urge. Colleague remarks if I can get through day like today without cheating, I can do anything.
Midnight: About to leave work. Have to be up in five hours and at gym in six.
Friday, April 30
1am: In bed. Set alarm for 5am.
1.30am: Brain finally decides to stop working for the night.
7.30am: Wake up. Realise is well past 5am. Realise have missed session with Richie. Apparently body decided three and a-half hours sleep in 24 hours is not sufficient. Richie clearly not happy.
How rude and inconsiderate of Lake Wakatipu and my job to interrupt training.
7.30pm: Still at work. Richie ordered me to go to gym this morning. Intended to be there now. However, pesky flooding and employment have prevented this.
10pm: At Blue Door. Within arms length is a half-eaten pizza and some chips. Flatmate tells me I can have "a" chip. Say "no". If I eat one floodgates will open and I will have to cram them all in my mouth. Another 1416 hours before I'm allowed a chip.
Yes, I am still counting.
