It’s not the cussing or the rambling (although both can be an issue during times of stress).
It’s the "yes" that keeps popping out at the most inconvenient and inappropriate times.
My brain is shouting "no!" but my mouth is saying "yes", usually accompanied by a charming smile that belies the internal battle going on behind it.
If you too, are a recovering people-pleaser, you will probably recognise this scenario.
My problem is not just saying yes to requests my gut is saying I shouldn’t, but actively volunteering to do things I don’t want to do.
It seems my mouth just can’t let an opportunity to please someone slip by.
A people-pleaser is someone who has a strong urge to please other people, even to their own detriment. People-pleasers edit or alter their words and behaviours to make other people feel good.
Of course, being a decent human involves thinking about how your words and actions will impact others, but the difference with people-pleasing is that it is the default, it is hard to stop, and it negatively impacts the people-pleaser’s wellbeing.
You might have a problem with people-pleasing if:
• It is difficult for you to say no.
• You find yourself outwardly agreeing even when you really disagree.
• You accept blame when something is not your fault.
• You apologise a lot.
• You avoid arguments or conflict at any cost.
• You have no free time.
In the world of work, people-pleasing is risky business. For a while, riding the "yes" train can seem like a good career move — you are able to demonstrate your versatility and strong work ethic, and your manager will quickly see your value to the team.
You are happy to pick up last minute fix-it jobs, take over your colleagues’ work when they fall behind, or pull an all-nighter to make sure the client deadline isn’t missed.
You accept all meeting invites. It feels good to be needed, to get the praise and the appreciation for all that "yessing".
You are an important part of the team, people have high expectations of you and know they can rely on you.
You are rewarded with more work and usually promotion, which usually involves more work.
The problem with this situation is that it is not sustainable. A quick internet search reveals hundreds of articles and blogs about the connection between people-pleasing and burnout.
Because people-pleasers find it so hard to say no, and are so good at ignoring or suppressing their own needs, they inevitably end up with too much to do, too many people to care for and just not enough gas left in the tank to do it.
Late last year, I found myself flirting with burnout and I admit that I hobbled through December, crawling across the finish line of 2022 desperately in need of a mental break. I have a plan to work differently this year, and have vowed to use the handy little phrase "let me check and get back to you", a lot more.
If people-pleasing is filling up your calendar and draining your tank, one of the best things you can do for your wellbeing and your career is to refocus your energies from doing what is best for others, to doing what is sustainable for you.
Knowing some of the causes of your people-pleasing can be a useful start.
An individual is more likely to be a people-pleaser if any of the following apply:
• Their sense of worth comes from how valuable they are to others.
• They have experienced rejection as a result of showing their true self.
• Their sense of achievement in life is linked to receiving positive feedback from others.
• Their role as a child was to keep the peace in the family.
• As a child, they felt the need to avoid conflict and appease those around them in a family setting.
• They tend to dissociate from their feelings.
• They feel others pain easily and deeply, and feel compelled to help, fix or heal.
Making any significant, sustained behavioural change is hard. Our brains prefer what they already know and it takes energy and focus to make change, both of which are usually in short supply!
However, it is worth it for your health, your family and your career, none of which will be in great shape for long if you are a "yes" addict. Here are five practical steps you can take to break the people-pleasing habit:
1. Stall
This is the one I’ve been working on lately, with limited success. Practise having a stalling phrase on the tip of your tongue, for example: "let me have a look at my calendar and get back to you". Then you can have a proper think about whether you want to do it and if you have the capacity.
2. The do-over
You say yes at the time and then you are cursing yourself afterward (see the brain-mouth conundrum from my opening paragraph).
In many cases, it’s OK to go back to the person and explain that, after consideration, it’s not possible for you to help. You can give the reasons if you want to. I have done this twice this week, and while difficult to do, I’m so glad I did.
3. Set limits around your "yes"
Instead of leaving the scheduling up to the other person, practise giving your availability and some conditions upfront.
It’s even better if you give them certain times, rather than every available time that you have. For example, "I can meet between 10am and 2pm and would prefer Zoom if you are able", when you might actually be free from 9am to 4pm but want a bit of breathing space in your day. This can also be done as a do-over.
4. Listen to your gut
Practise listening to and acting on those feelings of dread or anxiety that you get when someone is asking you to do something you either don’t want to do or know you don’t have the capacity for. Let those feelings be the prompt to say no, set limits around yes, or at the very least, stall!
5. Wait until you’re asked for help
People-pleasers usually have a suggestion or an answer for every problem and it usually involves them. Practise squashing that compulsion to offer your time and energy and wait to see if you are directly asked. Then practise steps 1 to 4 above.
It’s OK to be a kind and caring person. The problem with people-pleasing is that we end up with nothing left for ourselves.
Life is a balance of doing what is right for us and doing what is right for others.
The key here is balance; we need to put our own needs in the mix too.
- Sarah Cross is director of Kakapo Consulting.
