My brother was probably 10 on that Saturday afternoon, in 1981.
The family had moved from a country farmhouse to a nice hill section in town. Topography afforded the novelty of a second storey at the back of the house, where our sister’s bedroom looked out across a large vege patch and beyond to a typical small-town New Zealand scene.
This was the days before you could wage a global war by lunchtime without leaving your bed. Back then you had to do things, in the real world.
What my brother decided to do was test the theory that umbrellas were pretty much the same thing as parachutes. He clambered out his sister’s window clutching said umbrella, somehow managed to open it ... and then leapt.
His howls also underlined the generally accepted maxim that birds can safely perch on the outside of buildings but people, not so much.
It was a lesson our mother should have taken tucked away for the moment, in 2008, when she and our father, then 65 and 69 respectively, decided that painting the roof of their then-home, also on a sloping section, was not foolhardy and inviting disaster but a sensible, money-saving scheme.
Part way through the afternoon’s painting session, Mum’s paintbrush slipped from her hand, she instinctively reached for it, lost her balance and plunged several metres head first.
After three weeks in intensive care, two months in a general ward and a further two years of steady recovery, she has spent the past decade spleen-free but otherwise showing miraculously few signs of her rooftop antics.
If that is the sort of things people get up to in ordinary times, what hare-brained schemes might be hatched in fivemillion minds under a month-long lockdown?
It is time for the voice of wisdom and experience to be clearly heard across the gamut of potential home-bound foolishness.
Electrician Craig Grounds
The electrical wiring in your abode might still have the old rubber or fabric insulation. You might think you are up for the job of installing an updated switchboard. It could be perfectly true that a socket behind your 65-inch wall-mounted ultra-high definition television would get rid of that cable trailing down your man-cave wall. It is highly likely that the kids are not going to stop whining until each has a plug within arms’ reach of their beds for each of their four devices. You might even have have a few hundred metres of electrical cable sitting spooled in your garage.
Just don’t do it, electrician Craig Grounds, of Grounds Electrical, warns.
Attempt to rewire your house and you could electrocute yourself, he warns.
"It’s easy for people who don’t know what they are doing to transpose conductors, so that parts that should not become live do, giving electric shocks," Grounds says.
Worse, you could void your house insurance.
Legally, people who are not trained electricians can only do like-for-like work, such as replacing a power switch for a new one. Even then, the new switch has to be in the same location as the old one. And you can only do the work on a house you own and live in.
"Everything else needs a registered electrician,"
Grounds explains.
Stick to replacing light bulbs, light switches and power points, he advises.
If there is a bigger electrical problem at your place during the lockdown, your regular electrician should be able to help, as long as the fix is essential to life and health.
Photo: Getty Images
Chef Adrian Woodhouse
Souffle — that delicate dessert of flavoured custard and folded meringue, baked to produce a sweet pillow of air — is not the ideal warm up exercise for those reacquainting themselves with their kitchen, the academic leader of the Bachelor of Culinary Arts, at Otago Polytechnic, says.
"A successful souffle requires a gentle hand and precise judgement. It goes from majestic to dismal in minutes,"Woodhouse says.
"I’ve seen truckloads fail. Souffle is unforgiving."
Woodhouse suggests a fruit crumble is a much safer bet.
"In these times, it is good to reach for something familiar and comforting.
"It is hard to screw up a crumble."
His rule of thumb for crumble topping is a 3-2-1 ratio; three parts flour, two parts butter and one part sugar.
"Mix it with your hands. And add anything else you like: oats and spices."
Then throw in to an ovenproof bowl whatever fruit you have to hand — from the can, tree or freezer — cover with the crumble mix and bake at 180degC for about 45 minutes or "until it is golden and delicious".
Photo: Getty Images
Interior designer Robyn Buis
Put the paint brushes down, Robyn Buis says.
Paint that has been stored in tins on concrete floors can under-go a chemical reaction that changes its colour and how it performs, the owner of Robyn Buis Interior Design, says.
"Anticipation of colour" is enormously important when it comes to successful interior decorating.
The suggestion of combining different paints of forgotten origin and uncertain composition, therefore, makes her shudder.
"It is never going to work. It will be a disaster," Buis states.
Much better, she says, to use your enforced isolation to rearrange furniture and art in the home.
Re-imagine the layout of one or more rooms. Try significant pieces of furniture in new spots. Perhaps group artworks together for a change.
"It is a great way to create a new look and feel."
Photo: Getty Images
Landscape designer Wayne Butson
What better use of your lockdown leisure time than to create, from scratch, a monumental piece of lawn architecture, complete with cascading water, or better still a spouting fountain, that will impress and inspire the many people now taking daily walks around the neighbourhood?
Don’t do it, Wayne Butson says.
Complex water features need to be left to professionals, the landscape designer says.
Unless you are experienced in laying concrete, creating watertight ponds, calculating water flow rates and qualified to do the plumbing and electrical work required, just don’t.
Over the years, Butson has been called to fix "quite a few" DIY water feature disasters.
In several cases, people have tried to build a water feature of natural rock that has punctured the polythene liner. Another common error is using a water pump that is too strong or too weak for the desired effect.
In most cases, the remedy is a complete rebuild.
Instead, Butson advises, there are plenty of smaller, general maintenance jobs that need to be done on most properties at this time of year.
Waterblast paths, scrub decks, give trees and bushes a pre-winter prune ...
"Get your garden under control."
Giving the garden the once-over can lead to thoughts of personal grooming.
Photo: Getty Images
Bloke barber Charlie Davis
In desperation, family members and flatmates will be shaking each other by the lapels on their dressing gowns, tearfully demanding an "in bubble" solution to their impending coiffure catastrophe.
If, out of sympathy or mere curiosity, you are tempted to respond to their pleading by wondering out loud whether any of the chemicals in the kitchen, laundry or garden shed could be creatively redeployed to effect the bleach, colour or perm so desperately sought, close your mouth and keep those lips sealed.
Barber Charlie Davis, of Bloke Barbers, says that is definitely one you should not try at home.
"That’s a hard no on that one," Davis says. "There’s a good chance you’re going burn or scar the person. They might even lose their hair."
But that does not mean there is no scope for a bit of hair-do hilarity. Covid-19 has presented us all with the perfect opportunity to try out a completely different look. Always wondered what you would look like with a mullet? Champing at the bit for a mohawk? Busting for a bouffant? Fancy a flat-top? Give it a go.
"One hundred percent. Now is as good a time as any. No-one is going to see you for several weeks," Davis says.
Davis recommends a mohawk as they are easy to create, dramatic and can be styled in various ways, but warns to always take it easy with scissors and clippers.
"Be especially careful around ears, because they can come off."
This is definitely something you can try at home.
• We would love you to share your lockdown hairstyles. To share, go online to the ODT Facebook page and look for this story.
