The moment I hear the theme music of Bonanza, I'm galloping across an endless prairie into the sunset of my vivid imagination.
It's an instinctive reaction to the dramatic pulsating rhythm of the popular theme.
The last place on Earth I expect to experience this imaginary ride is in a coach travelling down Ninety Mile Beach on a Cape Reinga tour.
Our tour coach driver, in a whimsical display of driving prowess, turns up the CD player volume, extends his left arm with knuckles clenched over imaginary reins, rises and falls in his air-cushioned seat and skilfully manipulates the footbrake to simulate the motion of a galloping horse.
My fellow passengers are spellbound and goggle-eyed as the 600hp luxury coach segues into thoroughbred stallion in full flight.
It's a virtuoso performance with surprising realism and we all love it.
The nature of the terrain is first brought to our notice on the descent of Te Paki Stream, which is the usual access point for coaches making the return trip on the beach at low tide.
Te Paki Stream is a gently flowing, seemingly harmless, braided watercourse on relatively firm but shifting sand.
"We've asked people to get out and push on occasions," our driver says, causing a little anxiety among the more credulous passengers.
"Last Christmas we had numerous cars stuck in the creek, even a 4WD vehicle towing a caravan.
The owner spent the night in the caravan, which had sunk to the chassis with water over the floorboards - he called it his waterbed."
With stories like this, our international group of travellers give a collective sigh of relief when the beach hoves into view.
This is a mistake. We emerge from the stream in a surge of pent-up horsepower and make straight for the pounding surf.
"We're going into the Tasman Sea folks," is the call, which brings a chorus of "No, No, No" from the bemused visitors.
No doubt they had heard of the "Crazy Kiwis" syndrome before, but this was clearly their first-hand experience of the phenomenon.
At the last moment we turn abruptly and head south on a broad, sweeping expanse of sand that merges with a mirage of heat and salt spray far in the distance.
"Welcome to the Ninety Mile Beach.
To the south we have the South Island; to the west we have our West Island, Australia.
If you look carefully you will see our flag flying on the top of the Sydney Harbour Bridge.
The West Islands have inexplicably added two extra stars to our flag.
You'd think they could have come up with their own design."
Some passengers are aware that the beach is actually 64 miles (103km) long, so the question has to be asked "Why is it named Ninety Mile?" Our driver is not lost for an answer.
"How many of you good folks would come all the way up here to visit a 64-mile beach? We call it Ninety Mile Beach to attract more visitors."
He then provides a more plausible explanation.
In pioneering days, cattle grazed at Cape Reinga were driven down the beach to the Ahipara stockyards over a three-day period.
The stockmen rightly believed they were averaging 30 miles a day.
What they missed was the effect of incoming tides on the route, forcing the cattle to zig-zag up to the softer sand then back again when the tide receded, thus extending the walk but not the distance travelled in a straight line.
It was many years before anyone got round to measuring the beach.
We are soon abreast of Motupia Island, less than a kilometre beyond the breakers.
Remarkably, it has a hole in the rock similar to the tourist attraction at Cape Brett.
Our driver explains that this is the "real" Hole in the Rock and the other is actually a fibreglass replica on floating pontoons.
It's a closely guarded secret and the artificial hole has made a lot of money.
Later in the tour he retracts, as it seems his story is a fabrication.
Traversing Ninety Mile Beach is not your normal relaxed Sunday drive.
Every day the weather and tide conditions are different.
Soft sand, undulations, snapper feeding holes and oncoming traffic require constant vigilance.
All manner of motorised vehicles use the beach; motorbikes, 4WDs, tractors and dune buggies.
Cyclists ride the full length in two days and dedicated trampers take three days, camping in the dunes.
Pioneer aviator Kingsford Smith took off from this beach on flights over the Tasman.
Land speed record-holder Wizard Smith once set a world mark at the sizzling velocity of 164mph.
However, Ninety Mile Beach is best known as a tour coach highway, with the 3.5m tidal variation dictating the direction of travel.
The sea runs right up to the dunes so there's no room for error.
"The tour operators only lost two coaches last year," our driver tells us in a tone that suggests this was a meritorious achievement.
"A driver parked his 48-seater on the sand for a `walk round' and the vehicle sunk up to the chassis.
"The tide came in and pushed it over. The next day a large digger exhumed it in bite-size pieces.
"Two weeks later a 21-seater hit soft sand and bogged down and the tide turned it upside down."
He hastens to tell us these vehicles were not from his company.
In February/March each year, Ninety Mile Beach hosts one of the world's most lucrative surf-fishing contests.
One thousand fishermen stand shoulder to shoulder in the hope of netting up to $50,000.
"We have to dodge 1000 deck chairs, 1000 chilly bins, 1000 rod stands plus kids and dogs," says our irrepressible driver.
Marine wildlife is a feature of our southbound run.
The oystercatcher birds seem reluctant to fly, running in short, staccato bursts with their little feet pounding the sand.
Black-backed gulls wheel overhead and huge flights of terns duck and dive over the rolling surf.
At times, seals, penguins, turtles, sharks and pilot whales come ashore, frequently in a distressed state.
Our tour coach pulls off the beach at Waipapakauri and heads to a refreshment stop at Awanui's Kauri Kingdom.
This showcase of swamp kauri carvings and artefacts has a remarkable spiral staircase hewn out of a huge kauri log which was hauled out of a peat swamp in 1994.
It is thought to be the only internal log staircase in the world and definitely the oldest kauri log at 50,000 years.
Ninety Mile Beach, then, is a public highway like no other.
One that should never be taken for granted.
It can be a source of infinite good humour and enjoyment with miles of smiles in its surprisingly eventful 64 miles - certainly a 90-mile high.
Paul Rush travelled to Cape Reinga Courtesy of Kings Tours, Inter City and Copthorne Waitangi Hotel.
Cape Reinga Tours
Several companies run beach buses from Paihia and Kaitaia with half-day tours costing about $80 and full-day tours costing about $150 with lunch included.
Tours go via Ninety Mile Beach, entering at Waipapakauri, leaving via Te Paki Stream and continuing by road to Cape Reinga Lighthouse, subject to tide conditions.
Some day-tours include extras such as dune tobogganing, shellfish gathering, swimming, barbecues, forest and museum visits.
Bring a hat, sunscreen, sunglasses and camera.
Visitor centre
A new $11 million centre is planned for Cape Reinga this year.
The last section of gravel road will be sealed this year.
Contact details
Kings Dolphin Cruises and Tours
Email: info@dolphincruises.co.nz Website: www.dolphincruises.co.nz
